Spoiling Children: The Eight Myths

Spoiling Children: The Eight Myths

Spoiling Children Myth #1

You will spoil your baby if you handle her too much. You should let her
cry sometimes.

Reality: You can not spoil a baby. Babies need to be touched, squeezed,
coddled, and held. Babies cry because they are hungry, sick, wet, messy,
or desire attention. Pick up your baby and hold her. Do it as often as
you like.

Spoiling Children Myth #2

Kids should not grow up believing they can have anything they want.

Reality: It is desirable and an example of effective parenting to teach
children they can have anything they want. They may have to work for it
though. And they may not get it at this moment.

When you are shopping and your child asks, "Can I have one of those?"
respond with, "Sure, how are you going to pay for it?" or "What are you
willing to do to get it?" Ask, "How much money do you have?' or ""Do you
have a plan for getting it?"

Our job as parents is to help our children learn they can have whatever
they want if they are willing to work for it. During the process of
figuring out how to get whatever it is they desire, they may learn about
problem-solving, planning, setting priorities, and goal achievement.
They may even come to see themselves as being able to create what they
want in their own lives. That is about as far from being spoiled as you
can get. We call this phenomena self-responsibility.

Spoiling Children Myth #3

Spoiled children exist.

Reality: There is no such thing as a spoiled child. Spoiled is an
inference, a judgment that people make after noticing behaviors.

Spoiling Children Myth #4

Spoiled is a good descriptor of some children.

Reality: Spoiled is never an accurate descriptor of children. Spoiled
does not describe a behavior. It judges it.

Spoiling Children Myth #5

It's important to tell children when they are acting spoiled and call
them on it.

Reality: Labeling children spoiled or telling they are acting spoiled in
never a good parenting move. When you call a child spoiled what he
likely hears is not "spoiled." He is more likely to hear "spoiled
rotten." Do you want your child thinking of himself as spoiled rotten?

Spoiling Children Myth #7

Children who have an abundance of material things are likely to be
spoiled.

Not true.

Spoiling Children Myth #8

Spoiled children need to change

No, parents need to change. Parents need to change their attitudes about
spoiled children and see instead a child who is attempting to satisfy
his needs with an ineffective behavior. They need to change their own
behaviors and be willing to take the time to teach new behaviors to
their children. They need to be willing to confront, deal with conflict,
and take the time to do solution-seeking.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments:
Parenting with Purpose. They also publish a FREE email newsletter for
parents and another for educators. Subscribe to them when you visit,
www.chickmoorman.com or www.thomashaller.com. Chick Moorman and Thomas
Haller are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising
responsible, caring, confident children. For more information about how
they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their
websites today.

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Using Reverse Psychology

Even parents who don't effectively use other parenting techniques, like
time-out, using natural and logical consequences, distraction or
extinction, likely know about reverse psychology.

Using this technique, to get your kids to finish their dinner, you might
say something like:

"I bet you can't eat all of those peas in 30 seconds."

or when trying to get him to put away a toy, you might say:

"I'll put it away for you. You probably don't know how to fit it all
back in the box anyway."

So you are essentially trying to get your child to do the exact opposite
of what you really want him to do.

This should not be confused with trying to make chores fun. If you say
'let's see who can put more toys away in 5 minutes,' then that isn't
reverse psychology, since you are actually telling him to do what you
what him to do.

It also can work to 'encourage' your child to not do something that they
really want to do. For example, you might try to scare your child into
not crossing the street by saying:

"OK. Go ahead and cross the street by yourself. You'll just get hit
by a car..."

Does Reverse Psychology Work?

Parents who use reverse psychology as a discipline technique recognize
that it can work. But is it good parenting?

If your child is getting bad grades, is it really a good idea to say:

"That's okay. You're probably not smart enough to make better grades
anyway"?

Some kids might study more after being told that by a parent, but many
others will simply think that they aren't smart and should stop trying
to make better grades.

When using reverse psychology, if you consider that you are more
'manipulating' your child than anything else, then all of a sudden it
takes on a more negative tone and doesn't seem like good parenting.
After all, discipline is supposed to be about teaching, isn't it?

Also, reverse psychology doesn't always work. And when it does, a more
traditional discipline technique would likely have worked just as well.

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Parenting Tip 15 July 2005

The Stranger in Your Child's Life

By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

Would you let a stranger spend several hours with your child, communicating values, distracting them from homework, creating separation and distance from family? Even worse, would you let a stranger into your child's bedroom?

"No way," you say? Well, you'd better look again. Because if you are like most parents, there is indeed a stranger who is influencing, guiding, directing, and enticing your child. And yes, some of these strangers are even in your child's bedroom. This stranger looks innocent enough at first glance, but has the potential to influence your child in ways you may not even suspect.

The danger that is enticing your child is electronic media, and its presence is growing. Children in America now spend, on average, 6 ½ hours a day exposed to electronic media. Their connection to this influence includes TV, computers, listening to music, playing video games, and other electronic devices. Two-thirds of children, according to a Kaiser Family Foundation report, now have a TV in their bedrooms. This doesn't account for the hand-held electronic devices many children carry with them wherever they go.

Not alarmed yet? What about this? Children with TVs in their bedroom watch 90 minutes more a day than children without a TV in their room. They also do less reading and less homework. According to the facts, the more kids watch TV, the more likely they are to be overweight. Obesity in children is a national crisis. Turning a child's bedroom into a media arcade does not help your child one bit.

Many parents say they care about what their children watch and listen to. Yet, children consistently report that their parents do not have any rules, create no conditions, and set no limits on the amount or type of media they use. Those who do create restrictions don't always enforce them. Children report that parents do not know what type of music they're listening to. Parents seldom check the rating on CDs or invest the time to check out the lyrics. They pay little attention to the elaborate TV rating scale and do not use it to make choices about appropriate viewing content for their children.

Violent video games and glorified violence on TV spur aggression in children. While watching violence does not make someone violent, research shows that children who are exposed to more visual violence engage in more aggressive behaviors. Isn't that reason enough to set limits on a youngster's television viewing and video game habits?

Allowing a TV in a child's bedroom or putting electronic media like Game Boys and cell phone video games into their hands is tantamount to putting the fox in the henhouse with the chickens while pretending the fox is of no danger. It is an example of child neglect at worst and gross misunderstanding on the part of parents at best.

Electronic media in a child's life increases isolation. It creates an environment in which the child can stay disconnected from family members. It severely limits family interaction. TV, the internet, and video games are creating an emotional gap between parent and child. What possible reason is there for a child to carry a video game with him wherever he goes, or for a parent to make a child's bedroom so attractive and so media friendly that she wants to spend most of her time there by herself?

What about family solidarity? What about creating feelings of belonging by doing things together? Yes, children need privacy. Yes, they need some solitude and some time away from us. But do they need 6 ½ hours a day of "plug-in" contact?

Recently, while attending a soccer registration day, we heard a mother comment about her son, "I don't know why I bother to bring anything else for him to do. All he does is play that Game Boy." Sitting next to her was a child oblivious to the world around him. He was so engrossed in his video game that he was unaware of the rest of the world. And yet the mother went on to say, "The good thing about it is it keeps him busy and I don't have to worry about him getting into things."

Do you really want your child playing video games that glorify violence and numb him to real life events? A recent study revealed that 65 percent of seventh- through twelfth- graders played the controversial video game Grand Theft Auto. This game, rated for mature audiences, is loaded with larceny and violence. It shows the killing of police officers and the beating of prostitutes. Is this the way you want your child to learn what it means to be a responsible, caring, cooperative adult?

What about the strangers who are teaching your child through their appearance on television? Is TV really where you want your children to learn about values, attitudes, behaviors? Do you like the messages they get from soap operas? Do you want them exposed to beer commercials? Is the television really the best forum to teach your children about dating, intimacy, and sexuality? How do you feel about using sex to sell products? Have you seen any television talk shows lately? Is their model of disagreeing, which includes interrupting one another, increasing the volume, and not listening to the other's point of view the way you want your children to handle disagreements?

What about the computer? Who are your children talking to in chat rooms? What sites do they visit? Are they being bullied or talked to with inappropriate language? Are they bullying others? Do you know? Are you sure?

What are American parents thinking? What possible reason could there be for putting a TV or X-box in a child's bedroom or within easy access? Does the child have so many things that this is all that the parent can come up with for a birthday present? Do the parents dislike being with the child so much that they want to purposefully isolate the youngster? Or are the adults simply so busy with their own lives that they don't have time for their children?

The frenzy to connect to electronic media has created the Great Family Disconnect of our time. Don't parents realize that 6 ½ hours a day of being plugged into media leaves children little time to plug into their family? Do the parents like it that way? Is family dialogue of such little value that it can be squeezed in between headphones and email? Has Monopoly, checkers, shooting baskets, skipping rope, and bike-riding together become obsolete? Do parents like that?

In 63 percent of homes a television is on during mealtimes. Is it too much to ask family members to take a 20-minute break from media noise to share a quiet dinner with meaningful conversation? Or would you miss your favorite program? Couldn't our children become our favorite program for part of the evening?

The Great Family Disconnect is increasing in direct proportion to the degree of connection of our children to their favorite electronic device. TV, computers, and video games have become the plug-in drugs of our times. They are creating family distance, isolation, and a decrease in feelings of belonging and connectedness.

The stranger enticing your children needs to be unplugged, kicked out of their bedroom, and sent packing immediately. This is your home, not his. This is your family, not his. Take back the influence this stranger has usurped in your family. Commit to being the parent you always wanted to be. Establish guidelines. Set limits. Enforce those limits. Do it consistently. Implement consequences if needed.

Disconnect from the Great Family Disconnect. Flip the switch. Bring prime time back to your family.

Ten Terrific Reasons NOT to put a TV in your Child's Bedroom
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman

1. Your child will watch less TV: approximately 90 minutes less each day.

2. You will increase family dialogue while decreasing separation and isolation.

3. It is easier to make and enforce limits when the TV is in the family room.

4. Your children will be less likely to become overweight.

5. You will create opportunities to practice consensus seeking, deciding together what shows to watch.

6. It will communicate your values that exercise, reading, family time, and other activities are more important than watching TV.

7. Your children will be less likely to learn about sex from television stereotypes.

8. They will learn to see the bedroom as a place of peace and comfort, used for rest and relaxation.

9. Children will spend more time studying.

10. It will keep you more involved in your child's life.

Ten Terrible Reasons to Put a TV in Your Child's Bedroom

1. You can watch whatever you want on the family room TV.

2. You don't have to pay close attention to your child's interests.

3. You won't have to deal with questions like "Will you come out and play catch with me?" or "Want to help me put this puzzle together?"

4. You won't have to make any trips to the library so your children can pick out books.

5. It will be easier for you and your children to ignore the limits you set for television consumption and type of programming.

6. Children will not be interfering with your own busy life and requiring constant monitoring.

7. You won't have to figure out how to deal with the whining when you say no to your child's request for a TV in his or her room.

8. Television is the universal babysitter. It will keep your kids occupied so you can handle your interests instead of parenting with purpose.

9. You won't have to deal with questions about sexuality. All your child's questions will be answered through what they view on TV.

10. The TV is a stranger in your child's bedroom, influencing, guiding, directing, and causing the Great Family Disconnect. There is NO good reason not to GET IT OUT OF THERE, NOW!

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It's Not Fair [Parenting Tip]

"It's Not Fair."
-Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

"It's not fair" is a common childhood complaint. Parents hear it all the
time.

"How come I didn't get any? It's not fair."

"He got more than I did. It's not fair."

"You let her stay up later. That's not fair."

How do you respond when your child tells you, "It's not fair"? Do you
race around attempting to make sure everything is perceived as fair? Are
you on guard to make sure that love, gifts, attention, and privileges
are doled out evenly in your family? If so, you might be doing your
children a disservice. Here's why.

When your children use "It's not fair" language, they are assuming the
victim stance. They are activating a core belief that life should be
fair at all times, and when it isn't, they feel unjustly treated.

In reality, life is not fair. Two people can be speeding down the
highway and only one gets a ticket. Two people can be exposed to the
same virus and only one gets sick. The reality of life is that fairness
is not applied to everyone at all times. Life simply doesn't unfold that
way. To allow our children to expect otherwise is to set them up for
reoccurring disappointment and frustration.
The "It's not fair" cry is an outgrowth of a faulty assumption that all
children should be treated equally. If you buy into that myth, you set
yourself up for constant complaints and hassles.

Please do not attempt to be equal and fair to all your children at all
times. If you do, you are setting yourself up for manipulation. Once
children know that you're trying to be fair and attempting to set things
up so everything looks even, they can then use your positive intention
to plead their case, manipulate you, and encourage you to feel guilty.

Trying to make things equal for children will cause a lot of pain for
everyone involved. Even if you manage to parcel everything out in equal
portions, those portions still won't look equal through the eyes of your
children.

Aim for equity rather than for equality. Equity means that all children
have comparable opportunities to be loved and appreciated and to have
their needs met. Equity does not mean that all children are treated the
same way. As you know, no two children are the same, and there's no
reasonable rationale for treating them as if they were.

For example, your older child may wear glasses, while your younger child
does not. If you treated them the same, both would have to wear glasses.
But the youngest one doesn't need glasses and the older one does! Your
youngest child, however, does need braces, while the other one's teeth
are perfectly straight. So the youngest child gets braces. The older
gets glasses. The only thing you need to guarantee your children is that
they will each have opportunities to get their needs met.

Recently, a father we know bought his daughter a volleyball net, poles,
and ball. He brought nothing home for his son.

His daughter asked, "What do I get these for?"

"Since you're going to volleyball camp and trying to make the varsity
this year, I thought you might need them," her father replied.

"What did you get Austin?"

"Nothing."

"How come?"

"Austin isn't trying to make the varsity. Later, when he needs
something, he'll get it. Different people have different needs. Right
now it seemed like you needed these."

Next time you hear "That's not fair," explain to your children that
you're not attempting to treat them equally. Tell them, "Different
people have different needs." Say, "I address needs. I don't try to be
fair or make things even. Tell me what you need, and we'll talk about
seeing if we can make it happen for you."

"Fair" means more than everyone doing the same thing the same way at the
same time. "Fair" means everyone getting what they need when they need
it.

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Parents Delight

A Child to Love

You can have your wealth and riches
All the things so many seek,
Position, power, and success,
The fame you long to keep.

You can earn as much as you wish,
Reach a status high above,
But none of these can equal
Having one sweet child to love.

'Tis the greatest gift from heaven,
Little arms that hold you tight,
And a kiss so soft and gentle
When you tuck them in at night.

A million precious questions
And each story often read,
Two eyes so bright and smiling,
And a darling tousled head.

God has never matched the goodness
Of a trusting little face,
Or a heart so full of laughter
Spreading sunshine every place.

A child to hold and cuddle,
'Tis a gift from God above,
And the world is so much brighter
When you have a child to love.

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Parenting Tip

===============
Temper Tantrums of 2 yr old child
===============
Temper tantrums are most common among two and three-year-olds, which is probably why the phrase "terrible twos" was invented. Experts have found that kids this age have tantrums because their strong wills and their desire for things outstrips their ability to express their emotions in words. Tantrum are an emotional release, which, as you well know, are characterized by screaming, crying, and kicking. The most impressive ones often involve some kind of thrashing around on the floor.

Generally speaking, the best way to deal with any tantrum - public or private - is to ignore it and let it take its course. Giving in to your son's temper only reinforces the behavior: effectively saying to him that if he misbehaves, he'll get what he wants. I know it's hard, but fight the urge to give in.

Of course, ignoring a tantrum isn't always possible. If it happens in a public place, for example, try to remove your son from the scene. If you can, take him outside to the car and let him scream it out there. The point here is to show your son that you won't tolerate that kid of behavior.

Another effective way to deal with tantrums is to head them off at the pass. Say you're in a store and your son starts asking for candy. He's tired and you know that a negative response might push him over the brink. Offer him a compromise. Tell him he can't have the candy now, but as soon as you get home you'll make a big bowl of pudding together, or play his favorite game.

And speaking of being tired, fatigue and irritability are often the precursors to tantrums. So if it's nap time, skip that stop at the grocery store and head straight for home. Finally, make sure your son knows what's expected of him at all times and praise his good behavior every chance you get. Knowing he's pleasing you will probably make him want to do whatever it takes to keep you happy.

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Book on Parenting

Supernanny
How to Get the Best from Your Children
by Jo Frost

If for nothing else, I love that the Supernanny televsision show helps
to show that there are almost always alternatives for specific parenting
problems when what you are doing isn't working.

Are you too permissive? Or too authoritarian and strict? Is your house a
zoo because you have no control over your kids? Do your kids want to
stay up all night? The Supernanny can help you get things under control.

However, if you don't want your family and all of your problems on TV
for everyone to see, the Supernanny book is a good alternative to being
on the show.

In addition to outlining her basic techniques, the first few chapters
offer some great general tips, such as:

* have realistic expectations about what your kids can understand
* let little things go and just 'focus on the big stuff'
* instead of offering a lot of choices, simply 'offer a toddler a choice
between two acceptable alternatives'
* understand that rules and boundaries are important because the child
who gets everything he wants whenever he wants is unlikely to be happy

The Supernanny also teaches you how to talk to your child and how to use
avoidance strategies, the involvement technique, and the naughty step
technique (similar to time-out) to discipline your child.

The Troubleshooting chapters will be the most useful for most parents.
Each section, whether dealing with dressing, toilet training, eating,
social skills, or bedtime, has plenty of examples and a discussion of
what to do and ends with her 'top ten rules' and how they apply to each
topic.

These 'rules' are the key to the book and include a lot of basic
discipline techniques that are discussed in most other parenting books.
For example, she talks about being consistent, having a routine, using
warnings, and restraint (don't lose control and shout at your kids).

Unlike many other books, the Supernanny writes in an easy to read style
and book is well formated, with lots of pictures, to help parents get
through it quickly.

Most parents will find Supernanny a great read and offers 'commonsense
ways of dealing with the type of ordinary challenges and problems that
most parents of children under five face most days of the week.

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